Horoscope

ARIES: Spare the rod and spoil the child, as the saying goes. I’m not talking canes here. You must make sure that your children get a dose of at least two Rod The Mob Stewart songs per day. This will ensure that they talk in raspy voices and dress in pink leopards-skin leotards. This will leave you free to think you are sane. You are not.
TAURUS: After years of being a shrinking violet, you realise that the Gods made a typo and you ere supposed to be THE SHRINKING VIOLENT the smallest, angriest, super hero. You immediately become enraged and shrink to a size of 50cm. This allows you to fight crime in all the most inaccessible areas. You will obviously be owed back pay. It may arrive, it may not.
GEMINI: Your already significant powers of seduction reach new heights as you tempt an endless array of fabulous lovers to your lair. Be wary of blond haired vixens with ‘love’ and ‘hate’ tattooed on their knuckles. Beware also of any guy who knows all the words of ‘Like a Virgin’. Lucky revolutionary leader: Che Guevara.
CANCER: This month you are more chancer than cancer. You will try to persuade your place of employment that you need time off because the Government want to experiment on you and your family. As luck would have it you actually decide to sign up for top-secret government experiments. These make you super-intelligent. You go on to win Countdown, The Weakest Link and Blankety Blank. Well done, you have achieved much.
LEO: It is essential that you focus all your feline intuition on your health in the coming months. There is a possibility you will lose an appendage on Tuesday. Stem the flow of blood with a tunicae or any handy napkin. This could lead to your own self-help book and a spot on the Pat Kenny Show, if you play your cards right.
VIRGO: All the planning and patience over the last few years is destined to come to fruition within the next two months. I know it means so much to you but, my dear Virgo, my dear, dear big headed, tiny minded Virgo, please do try to stay within the public nudity laws. Godspeed and may your spirit always be this free.
LIBRA: You cheeky monkey you! OO be do I wanna be like yoooooho. Fantastic cheekbones will drop from the sky and make you a smash on the Milan catwalk. Don’t do Dior shure he’s sooo last season. Home life will stabilise once your family stop wrestling bulls. Be polite to ladies and don’t chew with your stomach full.
SCORPIO: Scorpio, Scorpio wherefore art thou Scorpio. You are lost in a fog of conflicting emotions and needs. The path through these times involves a long time friend, a strong pair of hands, 4 kiss-me-quick hats and an Austin Allegro. Don’t ride the clutch too much. Lucky concept: time or space… well, it’s one of those big ones anyway.
SAGITTARIOUS: please try to keep in mind that yesterday does not exist, neither does tomorrow for that matter. Only the now. This only exists because some electricity is bouncing around in the synapses of your brain. Taking these gigantic philosophical thoughts into consideration leaves you with more time to think about puppies and guns.
CAPRICORN: This month you will be flooded with ideas for finally making those millions. Bouncy hats, shoes that tell the time, odd socks, reusable food, an Irish rail system. When they let you out, you should peruse one of these dreams: Lucky parable: the one about the farmer and the seeds
AQUARIUS: Your inspiration and guide this month will come from the sea. Not for the might of the ocean, the gods of the depths. You shall invent beef fingers made with real sea cow. As sea cows are an endangered species you will only be able to sell them on the black market to millionaires. You will also start a campaign to bring back the old captain Birds Eye. The new one is so unconvincing with his smooth moves and designer stubble, gorgeous ladies draped on either arm… (We apologise, as your regular psychic has had to be taken away for shock therapy. We will be replacing him with a panda). THE JOY OF BAMBOO by A. Panda…we apologise the panda has just been shot, made into panda fingers and sold to a millionaire.
PISCES: On a Tuesday at 3 o’clock you will find 4 men vying for your affections. If you are female, enjoy the attention and be careful not to become too complacent in your suspicion of their motives. If on the other hand you are a male, shave the moustache and stop wearing that studded leather cap and lycra jumpsuit to work.

Bobby Peru